Life

I wonder if I died right now, if I'd have the chance to come back, and live my life differently.
I wonder if I'd make the same choices, do the same things,
Would I live the same, love the same, leave the same, when situations aren't going as I had hoped for, instead of trying to turn them around?
Would I hate, help, or hope in the same manner?
I have no idea if there is truly an afterlife, if there are heavens and hells, if I will be no more than ashes or if I will appear on this earth again.
I know I only have this moment, this breath. I cannot predict the future, nor change the past. It is all I am really guaranteed.

Reminded

As I sit by the water I think of you
Nowhere to be seen but I know you are here
I can feel your presence, smell the scent of your skin mixed with the salty sea air
As I sink my feet into the cool sand.
The lingering sound of each crashing wave is reminiscent of your voice, promising to never leave me.
As I see the sun setting I am reminded of the night you passed, as if it were mere moments ago.  I can't seem to stop myself from  coming here often just to be reminded
Of you

Shell

 Life is often not easy, and I believe that goes for every being on this earth. To help counter this , I almost feel as if I have formed a thick protective shell to help shield me from the sadness in the world, the ridicule of others, and most importantly, the hatred of myself.  I laugh and make jokes about myself before anyone else gets a chance to, further developing my protective barrier.  I wonder what it would feel like to lift the anger from my life, to drop the pessimistic attitude I feel and get rid of the negativity that has become so much a part of me that it is in fact, me.  I wonder if I could learn to trust again, or if I would even want to, I kind of like being guarded. It is protective, it feels safe.  Keeping others at arms length gives me room to breathe, to live freely, to not worry about judgement from others.  It also makes it almost impossible to get to know and love others, deeply, truly, exactly as they are and I know I am missing out.  A few have broken through this barrier and I love you for accepting, shy, introverted, crazy cat loving me for who I am and I will love you fully, for being exactly who you are.  It is a strange world out there, getting stranger every day, but there is so much good I fail to see, and am thankful for all that are part of the goodness.  

Love always, 

Me

Tomorrow

Unknowingness
That sick feeling at the pit of your stomach that you may at any time walk in on something horrible that you have no control of but you feel you need to go in anyway no matter what you are going to see.  There is a feeling of protectiveness, others lives and daily needs being met depend on you showing up.  You want to do so much more and spend quality time with each and every one of them, but the clock keeps ticking and you are running just to meet their most basic care.  A few may get an extra moment of your time but you feel so guilty choosing, leaving so many others without much more than a quick I love you all and will get to you tomorrow ,if I am lucky. For some, tomorrow never comes, and you are left wishing you spent more time you never even had to begin with,cherishing their last moments with them, and only wish to see them just one more time.

Missed

Rest in peace Smokey
Rest in peace Vashti
Your years were robbed from you from illnesses beyond your control
You will be sorely missed
I can't bear the thought of going
Back without you there and only
Hope others will begin to trust our assessments on your conditions before
We lose even more. You were very much loved indeed

Gone too soon see you at Rainbow Bridge
*Believe me when I say they are failing, I
Am usually right on point in this area

Words

Spinning words together
Cascading
Twirling and sparkling as they
Comingle, and glide to the ground
Hear them laugh filled with the giddiness
Of a child on their birthday, filled with
Infinite possibilities endless waves
Of expression and the power to build a person up, or break someone down
To be used to capture beauty or carnage
To express eternal love or hatred so vile
To be spoken carefully as apologies can be
Made, but the words remain forever

Bentley

Bentley,

I am so sorry to have lost you today and for the manner 

In which you passed.  Finding you sprawled out on the floor,

Gasping for air, all I could do was hold you, and pray to God to

Help you pass quickly to end your suffering.  I do not know

What condition you were in the the few days leading up to 

Your passing, and I know you were going to continue to receive appropriate

Medical care for your condition, but it wasn't soon enough to 

Prevent a prolonged and drawn out ending which never

Should have been.  I will always love you .

God Bless you, I hope you are with the angels now, and though

I can no longer help you. when it comes to my own pets, I believe in 

Euthanizing before the very end, and allowing each freedom 

From their sick, terminally ill, bodies.