Resistance

I am ashamed.
Ashamed of the way I treat you.
Ashamed that part of my heart turns to stone when we are together.
The way I snap at you when you don't deserve it.
I thought I forgave you for all that happened.
I know you did your best.
Still I love and abhor our moments together
Both wrapped into one package.
I hope one day I can be genuine and truly kind
And leave my resistance by the wayside

Chaos

Extending a gentle hand amidst confusion, chaos, trying to help a young man, who tries so hard to make sense of this world. Perhaps in a different way but just like we do, and you dedicated your life to helping him.  Every step you took was more than right. You almost went overboard trying to protect this young man, with his toy truck.  Trying to come home to your family by doing everything right.  But. You fucked up. You fucked up merely by being a black man.  A black man trying to do his job by rescuing a young man in need of rescuing. I A man in need of guidance, and love  and for doing that, caring for another being  as a black man, is enough to get you shot or even killed .  Hands up,  bang, chances are you still may wind up dead anyway

Passing

It was summertime , but not one of those hot sticky days that leave you running for the nearest AC it was pleasant, and yet she was uncomfortable as she sat on the deck with the breeze whispering down her pale neck.  It had been so long since she had been outside, or has really been anywhere since her husband's passing.  She remembered it like it was yesterday.  She still had so many unanswered questions, what would cause her husband to take his own life in a way that played graphically in her mind, over and over, day after day.  If she had only seen the warning signs ahead of time she could have prevented this devastating event, she wondered how she could ever go on without him.  Was he still with her in spirit?  Could he hear her thoughts?  She tried not wasting her time thinking about such unrealistic ideas, ideas she secretly hoped were true.  She went inside to try and force herself to eat something for dinner.  As the refrigerator stared back at her empty, she decided to fix herself another drink again.  He was never coming back, and though she couldn't live with it at least she could temporarily numb her pain.

Vanished

Vanished without a trace
Nobody looking, no matter, no waste
Of time trying to figure out what went wrong
Turn a blind eye just move on just move on with your self focused life it's not about you it has nothing to do with these lies where's your truth.
Just take a deep breath in a day or two this too shall pass, until it doesn't, and is staring you right in your fucking face daring you to deny that things are not right. Take a stand or fall  flat in disgrace its up to you to decide how this one ends, choose to start over or continue to hate.

Dad

Let me hold your hand for a moment.
Your skin once soft feeling weathered
Your strong grasp has weakened just a slight bit, as mine has, as mine will.  Let me walk with you, your legs, once filled with stamina, now filled with pain in each step, yet you walk proudly, not acknowledging your truth.  Let me hold you when you are down, take care of you as you still take care of me, even though I'm grown, even though I should be standing on my own two feet . Let me love you like the superhero you still are to me at 44 years old, and you at 72.  In my eyes you can do no wrong. I am so proud to be one of yours and look forward to each shared moment with you
Let me thank you for all you are, all you have been and forever will be.  Let me bask in pride, as I call you Dad, forever.

Leilah

She likes to get her hands dirty, mud piles become her instant friend.  She wears homemade crowns of flowers and magistrates over a magic land far greater than ours, unlimited by societal rules.  She is a princess, a ruler, an artist, a tomboy swinging from a tree all wrapped up in one package.  She is fiercely independent and will literally create beauty out of almost nothing.  She is gifted and greatness shall come of her.  She is Leilah.  She is six.

Prism

Trying to keep my balance I tiptoe across the floor, jagged pieces of glass scattered haphazardly, taking on a life of their own, hoping, yearning, begging for me to slip and indulge them in my  mishap.  I hear breathing in the room and faint laughter, sadistic, perhaps content on  watching my every move.  I pick up a shard of glass and it is momentarily transformed, and the with sunlight casts a prism.  I am not fooled, and eventually make my way out of the room quickly, but gingerly, without looking back.

Raw

It's too much what I've been hearing in the news lately, so painful drumming up memories from 20 years ago. She was unconscious  you had no right to lay a finger on her no matter how intoxicated you were, she couldn't say no. She was lucky to have heroes step in for her though your punishment was weak and you should have to serve a steeper sentence for stripping away her value and self worth and dignity. At least there were witnesses and she was believed . Imagine what it feels like to be told you are not believed and have it promptly swept under the rug. Imagine those closest to you, turning their backs on you and leaving you to pick up the pieces.  Imagine 10 years later as a new mom, crying that you don't deserve to be one due to your past, and the worthlessness you feel, still not being able to express it as it will turn your life upside down.  Your spirit and life profoundly damaged forever . So you repress it, feeling like a nothing in the process , like you don't matter.  You've ruined her fucking life bro, and it's just starting
I pray she gets the support she needs in time, before it's too late.  I remember the outfit I was wearing.  If I could find it I'd fucking burn it.  If 20 years ago I knew what I knew now, life would be very different. I'd put away your broom and stop sweeping shit under the rug to protect everyone else.  I'd protect my rights instead.

Word

Words should be chosen wisely

They can build up

Or tear down

Bond or break

Excite and entice

Or abhor and bore

The power of words is infinite

Yet we often fail to comprehend

The magnitude or attitude of what

We are putting forth to others

Finding that perfect word to describe an experience is like finding a lost puzzle piece.

Just the right amount of curves, edges, and corners that nothing else could fit nearly as well.

The wrong words, words that are hateful, demeaning, degrading, upsetting or rude, whether spoken or written cannot be taken back easily as an imprint is often left in the recipient 's mind. Please choose them wisely

Moments intertwined

Moments
I feel happy to be and exist fully in the present
Moments
I question my purpose of even being
And hardly feel like I exist at all
There are moments I am proud of my accomplishments.
Moments I wonder what, in all these years
Have I actually accomplished, what have I done with my time
Moments of confidence
And moment after moment after moment of self doubt,
These moments, intertwine, each taking just a second or a minute, or 40+ years of my life. These moments are many, yet leave me yearning, for just a few more moments, for a few more chances, to get things right.

Dirt

It turns over and exposes, unearths a part of itself that has been up until this moment living in darkness it the cool damp ground.  It is frightening after first experiencing it's first bout of light and it desperately tries to burrow itself deeper into the Rocky soil until it can't go any further.  The sun is exposing it's vulnerabilities yet it cannot deny it feels a bit consoled basking in its radiant warmth, instinctively it knows it has a job to do and digs horizontally loosening up the soil, remembering that moment, but quickly resumes it's former position in its comfort zone.

Moments

Your laugh
Your strength
Your gift of being able to stand tough and lay it all on the line for my daughter and others like her
Your passion for what you do, the women you empower, the safe net you provide
Your ability to stand in fear and take one step forward when your heart tells you to retreat
Your courage to contemplate trying again, though 3 times you have been let down.
The way you educate your daughter, helping her focus on her strengths
The way you lobby for your son, who is thriving, because of you.  I am in love and awe of you. I am blessed to have witnessed  these moments in my life.

Sandal

It's OK to let go
To live life for awhile fading into to background without the stress of having to know answers black and white, for I find as hard as I search for these perfect situations they 100% do not exist.  I am not perfect and truly hope I am.not picked apart this way and rather seen as whole, and I hope my  goodness outweighs my bad.  The problem with generally living life in this non engaging manner is no solid connections  are made because I am searching for that one perfect situation.  After 44 years I am pretty damned sure my perfect utopia does not exist. Truthfully, by now I should know that life does not shit flowers so I should probably throw in the towel on this, get my hands a bit dirty and dive in deeper to the aspects of my circumstances I am unsure of, regardless of their differences.  I may come up gasping for air and even missing a sandal in the process, but I'll choose that over another day on the sidelines any day.

Price

Grasping to hold each delicate finger on your hands as they slip through without even an acknowledgement.  I am here to save you, to try my hardest to prevent something from happening that has already been written.  I stand in the crowd spewing hatred back at the naysayers, I am invisible. I have no voice.  In truth I was probably one of them, how dare a man claim to be the son of God. This is blasphemy
 He must be stopped at once
  Perhaps I am.a woman huddled in the corner knowing this is wrong but too afraid to speak up for what will happen to me. I've done it before.  I Will surely do it again
  Please forgive those of us so.many of us that would have stood and done nothing out of fear of repercussions. You paid our price.  We are eternally grateful for your love.  It can never be repaid.  Amen

Curiosity

If I could dive deep into the recesses of your mind I would tread water round eloquent words so plentiful, so on point, they would intrigue my curiosity to delve deeper, into the dark abysss.  I would tunnel through the depths of your sharp wit careful of the jagged edges diving lower until I found myself covered by the brilliance of your story, mesmerized by your magic as you always seem one step ahead, your thoughts culminating into new ideas as I find myself  sinking, sinking to the bottom, gasping for air.  I race to the surface, the lightness and buoyancy of your gentle words keeping me afloat.  I am blessed to be exposed to your genius, privileged to have you in my life and proud to call you my friend.

Scoot

Please stay with me
Hold on
For I cannot live my life without you
I know your years are numbered
You are tired
But you still smile at me when I speak to you
You make me feel like the grandest cook
Boiled beef over your dry food and you are in heaven
You would fight to the death for that bowl of food.
I know you are getting older and taking meds for your heart, a heart that beats quietly on most days, but rushes too fast. Too intensely, when you aren't feeling your best
I only hope in this lifetime you realize how much you are loved, and how you have been there for me since day one, and I promise to be there for you, to not give up on you, as we are infinitely connected.  You are my best friend and I pray for you every day, I hate leaving you home alone as I think you belong by my side, each day, each moment, I don't want to miss you at all.  Stay strong for me, let me know when the burden is too much and I will help you
  We are infinitely connected, and will always be by each other's side, in body, in spirit.  I Love you Scoot.
Mom

Bells

I heard a gentle ringing in my ears
Bells so light and delicate each note seemed to whisper in the morning light.
It was the sound of angels laughing
Or faeries twinkling as they shook off
The morning dew.
I've never heard anything so magical
In my life
I could chalk it up to just another dream
But the ringing, so gentle, so harmonious,
Resonated with me the joys of both heaven and earth.

Clarity

I don't know why
You are doing what you are doing
I cannot feel
What you have been feeling once twice
Three times
If only I can get in your head
To help you
To save you
If only I could save myself
I wish I could say choose with logic
Not with emotions
I have not been there
I have no choice
I must stay silent
Just know I love you no matter what
Soon clarity will be yours
And open a path through the thick woods

My sentiments exactly: wept

My sentiments exactly: wept

wept

I wept for you today.  Big ugly loud crying as I couldn't take it in.
I am completely in shock you are blind
When I last saw you you could see but barely
You sat on the flóor, disoriented, crying,
I had to help you find your food your water, your warm bed because you are so frail.  I wept for you, for someone that has been sick for so many years without an answer and now in your old age you are being robbed of your sight.  I am still shaken to my core, physically ill that you cannot be helped despite everyone doing their best to care for you.  I just want to bring you home and spoil you for the rest of your days because without your vision, you are lost and scared.  I wept for you today, a deep ugly ugly cry and pray you will soon be OK.  I love you Amelia. My Bedilia

here

No longer will I listen to the whispers of doubt.  I will hold my head high amidst criticisms, taking in only what can help me improve upon myself  and dismissing the rest.  I will not bat an eye when they say I am not good enough, not pretty enough, especially not smart enough to amount to anything, I will turn that hate speech on its heels and send it on its way without a moment's notice. Why I exist I have no way of knowing but trust since I am still here I have something valuable to offer our world and there is work to be done. I stand strong for my girls and though I falter in making mistakes I am teaching them it is never to late to try again.  I am blessed to be here each moment of my life and do not take these moments for granted. I only hope one day others may learn lessons through my mistakes and my time here on Earth.

single

Waiting in line
I asked if you were single
You introduced yourself as Beans
And sat on the steps lacing up your shoes
We went to Bens Den with my cousin Bobby,
Then back to the party.
Drunken kisses, you had such soft lips, the night was a blur
I couldn't wait to see you again
I became nervous when the initial excitement died down, not realizing it would be replaced by true love, for the first time in my life.  I was not an object. A fling, an afterthought. Used. I was wholeheartedly loved by you and respected for who I am.  Thank you for loving me just the way I am, as I love you

Love. Me

Christ redo

In your presence I feel welcome, appreciated, loved.  I feel comforted by the knowledge you are all knowing, forgiving, protective of my inner being.  No matter what is thrown my way I can handle it because you are with me, in both good times and when I am downtrodden, blessed, or suffering at the lowest of lows.  I know my belief in you doesn't mean I won't suffer through tough times, I know you are beside me through it all, a hand to pull me to my feet, to dust myself off, to start over again.  Forgive me for turning my back on you whenever life gets difficult, for using you only in my needs, for not appreciating the friendship of one that is all good, and loving, despite all my flaws.  I cherish our time together and hope I continue to grow, and flourish, as we walk the rocky road together. hand in hand, side by side.

Duke

I have to be honest.  When I first saw Duke at the feral cat colony I did exactly what I did whenever I first spotted a new cat.  I prayed he was just passing through and would go back to his real home so I didn't have to go through the process of trapping, neutering and returning him, and I liked my group just the size it was.  He never did end up going home, not sure if he was dumped there or not. But he made his presence known.  He was a fat orange and white cat, that terrified the little black kitties and tuxedos whenever he had the opportunity.  I ended up having to feed them separately or he would attack them whenever he had the chance. I hoped neutering him would calm him down but he was just the same, when I released him.  Despite his temperament with the other kitties, he did sort of like people, at least somewhat, till he would scratch you out of the blue for no reason at all.  I had a strange feeling he wasn't feral at all, and felt a profound sense of sadness that he was lost between two worlds, too unpredictable to be a housecat, and way too territorial to exist peacefully in any colony.  He was a loner, I could relate.  About a month ago I brought Duke home with the intent of having him live in my garage, so he was safe but didn't continue to attack the neighborhood cats.  He's been in a large crate for labrador sized dogs about a month, too nervous to come out, yet loved to be pet.  Gone was his careless scratching, and while I don't know how he is with other pets, I've noticed he really enjoys being pet and human company.  He's afraid to be loose in the house as he is still unfamiliar with the indoor environment but today he moved himself into our downstairs bathroom, where I have the opportunity to be closer to him.  I don't know what his future holds as he is FIV positive, not a death sentence by any means but if he continues to be aggressive towards other cats he'd have to live alone, but I am so glad I took the risk and brought this fellow home.  I feel I am teaching him he is worthy of love and deserves a good life, a life he probably would never have the chance to experience if someone didn't take a chance on him.

child

Precious child
 worth more than the worlds weight in gold
Please turn towards me and let me see your radiant face
Precious child
Whose destiny is not yet known
Please let me hear you voice
Your cries would sound like sweet music to my ears.
Precious child
Who is so very loved beyond compare
Please let me hold you, your sweet smelling hair intoxicating, somehow making the world just a bit of a better place to be.
Precious child, hold on please, for we anxiously await your future, you are meant to be.

Forest

He placed his tiny hand in mine, my long fingers dwarfing his.  We slowly wandered down the dusty road, stopping to watch a squirrel scurrying to gather enough nourishment for the upcoming storm.  He was probably too busy playing and enjoying our unseasonably warm winter to plan ahead.  We stopped at road's end and walked quietly into the forest.  We looked for pinecones to bring back and fortify with peanut butter and bird seed to hang outside for our feathered friends. The predictions were harsh, but we did what we could to secure ourselves, and our beloved outdoor friends, who would have to weather it out under the most primitive of conditions.

You

For you

I would do most anything

Give up my dreams to follow yours

Give up my hope and let you lead the way

I am nothing without you, my heart is empty, longing, to be near you again.  We are one in the same in our most purest of essence.  We are all knowing, we exude love.

Grow

This weekend Kendall turns the big 10, which is pretty exciting to her as she will soon be in double digits.  I have seen her grow in so many ways, she had a doctor's appointment yesterday and basically answered all of the Doctor's questions herself and even survived a vaccine without too much crying.  As I see Kendall grow I am excited about the changes she is going through, but honestly a little worried as well.  Kendall as you probably know has autism, but she functions fairly proficiently in most aspects of her life, her biggest issue being socially.  It's difficult because she is aware that she has some problems in this area, and that she sometimes acts differently, but what is even worse is that she realizes she is being excluded by some of her peers because of it.  I am so thankful for the wonderful friends she has, and she had met some great ones this year who accept her and include her just as she is without question, yet she still notices the ones that have left her behind because of this.  As her mom I also notice and wish I could let her peers know she does too.   Kendall is a great person to know and be with.  She is funny, direct, and knows exactly what she does and does not want, and is not afraid to speak up for herself.  She knows she has autism, much like I have anxiety, and mom mom, has diabetes, it does not define her.  She is so blessed to have so many that see and embrace her qualities, and ignore the moments that she struggles, as we all have such moments at one time or another.  I love her so much and can't wait to watch her develop,  and grow, into the young woman God wants her to be.

Dignity

How am I supposed to help you?

I can't think of one more God damned thing

To try to set you on your path as you are breaking me.  Piece by piece my self respect and dignity fall, dangling by threads. I try to grasp them, to hold them for one last moment but they slip through my fingers and onto the ground, blending with the dark earth below.  I am on my knees, hoping to save you, or at least save myself, but your scorn has blinded me and I cannot find my way home.

Everlasting

It is  when the sunlight seems dim in comparison that I realize how bright the light shines in your heart for your family.  

It is when the depth and vastness of the ocean seems shallow that I know your love is deep and your commitment everlasting.  It is when I am relaxing and content that it dawns on me that I feel this safe and reassured and can finally let my guard down because of your presence.  It is when everyone, even the pets at night sleep soundly that I know you are home with us and our family feels complete.  It is when you laugh at my dorky, awkward self that I know I found my soul mate, it is when you console me when I am sad that I know you are my best friend.  It is when you let me adopt just one more pet that I know you are compassionate, just like I am.  It is in the way you love our daughters, that I know they have a wonderful father.  It is in the time I have spent with you that I know we are meant to be.

I love you

Me

Radio

A friend of mine's wife passed away last night.  A complicated situation, as his wife was estranged,  though she helped care for him.  It's even stranger that I consider this elderly gentleman a friend.  I mean, we literally never  see eye to eye on anything, but over the years I have developed a sympathy for him, and what has brought him into his current beliefs and I stand in great admiration of both his intelligence and his hard work ethics, even to this day he works as hard as he can despite the need for more frequent rests.  He is stoic right now, probably in shock but not one to show sadness in any occasion.  It hurts me to know inside his world is completely crumbling apart, as he sits at the kitchen counter listening to a football game on his radio his mind must be going a mile a minute.  I am in his room of all places, dusting it and trying to straighten it out before he comes up to rest, hoping with all my heart that this will make his life seem just a little more in order, while I know it has taken a drastic turn for the worst.  I don't want to leave.  I just want to stay here, at least in the background, in case he needs anything, anything at all.  But he listens to his radio, as if all is OK, but it is not, his wife is gone forever.