Grow

This weekend Kendall turns the big 10, which is pretty exciting to her as she will soon be in double digits.  I have seen her grow in so many ways, she had a doctor's appointment yesterday and basically answered all of the Doctor's questions herself and even survived a vaccine without too much crying.  As I see Kendall grow I am excited about the changes she is going through, but honestly a little worried as well.  Kendall as you probably know has autism, but she functions fairly proficiently in most aspects of her life, her biggest issue being socially.  It's difficult because she is aware that she has some problems in this area, and that she sometimes acts differently, but what is even worse is that she realizes she is being excluded by some of her peers because of it.  I am so thankful for the wonderful friends she has, and she had met some great ones this year who accept her and include her just as she is without question, yet she still notices the ones that have left her behind because of this.  As her mom I also notice and wish I could let her peers know she does too.   Kendall is a great person to know and be with.  She is funny, direct, and knows exactly what she does and does not want, and is not afraid to speak up for herself.  She knows she has autism, much like I have anxiety, and mom mom, has diabetes, it does not define her.  She is so blessed to have so many that see and embrace her qualities, and ignore the moments that she struggles, as we all have such moments at one time or another.  I love her so much and can't wait to watch her develop,  and grow, into the young woman God wants her to be.

Dignity

How am I supposed to help you?

I can't think of one more God damned thing

To try to set you on your path as you are breaking me.  Piece by piece my self respect and dignity fall, dangling by threads. I try to grasp them, to hold them for one last moment but they slip through my fingers and onto the ground, blending with the dark earth below.  I am on my knees, hoping to save you, or at least save myself, but your scorn has blinded me and I cannot find my way home.

Everlasting

It is  when the sunlight seems dim in comparison that I realize how bright the light shines in your heart for your family.  

It is when the depth and vastness of the ocean seems shallow that I know your love is deep and your commitment everlasting.  It is when I am relaxing and content that it dawns on me that I feel this safe and reassured and can finally let my guard down because of your presence.  It is when everyone, even the pets at night sleep soundly that I know you are home with us and our family feels complete.  It is when you laugh at my dorky, awkward self that I know I found my soul mate, it is when you console me when I am sad that I know you are my best friend.  It is when you let me adopt just one more pet that I know you are compassionate, just like I am.  It is in the way you love our daughters, that I know they have a wonderful father.  It is in the time I have spent with you that I know we are meant to be.

I love you

Me

Radio

A friend of mine's wife passed away last night.  A complicated situation, as his wife was estranged,  though she helped care for him.  It's even stranger that I consider this elderly gentleman a friend.  I mean, we literally never  see eye to eye on anything, but over the years I have developed a sympathy for him, and what has brought him into his current beliefs and I stand in great admiration of both his intelligence and his hard work ethics, even to this day he works as hard as he can despite the need for more frequent rests.  He is stoic right now, probably in shock but not one to show sadness in any occasion.  It hurts me to know inside his world is completely crumbling apart, as he sits at the kitchen counter listening to a football game on his radio his mind must be going a mile a minute.  I am in his room of all places, dusting it and trying to straighten it out before he comes up to rest, hoping with all my heart that this will make his life seem just a little more in order, while I know it has taken a drastic turn for the worst.  I don't want to leave.  I just want to stay here, at least in the background, in case he needs anything, anything at all.  But he listens to his radio, as if all is OK, but it is not, his wife is gone forever.