Ghost

Forgotten
No memories of what we used to be or who we were. I turn the kaleidoscope and the faded colors spin into nothingness,
I am wishing for a revelation of some sort
A looking glass to peer into
A time machine to travel in to find answers
Of where I went wrong
I step outside
  The cold damp air awakens my senses and I feel the need to turn around
Only to see the sillhouette of a ghost filled with answers
Vanishing before my eyes into the morning sky

Free

She descends from higher than the clouds
Floating gently as falling autumn leaves taking their final bow as winter edges in upon them.
She spins
Gliding gently
As the wind offers to guide her to her chosen destination.
Her laugh is childlike, and way too loud at times, I remember wishing she'd tone it down a bit as if others cared or even worse were looking, but at this moment I am so very glad I kept my big mouth shut and just let her be.  It must have been so hard to let him go despite the heartache, despite the lies, he was all she ever knew.  But seeing her this very day I knew she made the right choice as her eyes glowed with a warmth from inside that I'd never seen before.  For today, the chains were broken and she was radiant, glorious, and floating on air, she was perfect, she was finally free.

Mirror

I press on the mirror

It feels cold

Lifeless

Reflecting back merely what is

On the outside

Face value

It does not reveal who I am

My core beliefs, who my heart,

My soul belongs to.

It is just a mirror,

Not reflective of pain, mistrust,

Or the armor I am slowly building up

On the inside to block me from feeling

Anything at all. Slowly but surely the walls are closing but my mirror, my magic mirror doesn't whisper, or hint, or even give a peek.  All looks quiet on the outside, like yesterday, like tomorrow.

First

My first breath
     Inhaled in your presence
Unaware of the many encounters and adventures I would experience  in life.
My first hand, I held was yours, too young to realize the beauty and fragility yet protectiveness that was contained in each intertwined finger firmly grasping mine.  My first hug, my first kiss, my first tears imprinted on your heartstrings, it was you who I ran to when I wanted to feel safe, you who I ran from when asserting my independence, my own way, so many times in my life.  I want to run to you again, to tell you one more time how much I love and adore you, and honor your beautiful strength I will carry with me each day.  It is now I know you were enough, so much more than enough, you were my first love, my mom.

Disillusioned

I can't  step forward
I am Frozen in disbelief by
What has just happened
Feeling disillusioned
I have laid it all on the line for you
Given when there was nothing left to give
Begged and borrowed just to make you happy
If only for a moment
You spit upon me
Blinding me to the fact that
What I am doing is clearly not working
So I start at step one again, giving when I've nothing left inside me, nothing left to give.

Moment

If this moment, this very second were to be my last I would be okay.  It is warm and cozy and dreamy in a melancholic way reminiscent of my younger years. Right now I am alone, and OK with it, mesmerized by lyrics of songs from the past, sinking deeper into careless memories,  feeling  just a bit dark but familiar, feeling like I am home again

Not about Frank

It is getting dark out, and I can't find you

Standing outside calling your name

Like someone who has lost their dignity 

And self respect waiting for you go come back

I am tired of the games you play,

Twisting my heart like a wet rag

Leaving my mind rattled

Leaving me frazzled

And afraid 

You. Won't. Return.

A voice of wisdom

Speaks to me.

I go inside.

And shut the door.

Pieces

You are in pieces
Scattered  across the floor
Carelessly tossed
In a haphazard manner
Like yesterday's news
I reach for you
One intricate part after another
Gathering all I can
Scrambling
Recreating what once was
For the thought of
Something new
Is too much to bear

Smothered

Despair,

I am engulfed by it, 

It is building within me

In the dark of night

I feel smothered and try to get up

To escape

But my legs give out under me and I fall 

To the floor 

I am losing this battle

Breathing in sadness, as I try and crawl to the door

Hoping someone is on the other side, waiting to help me

Life

I wonder if I died right now, if I'd have the chance to come back, and live my life differently.
I wonder if I'd make the same choices, do the same things,
Would I live the same, love the same, leave the same, when situations aren't going as I had hoped for, instead of trying to turn them around?
Would I hate, help, or hope in the same manner?
I have no idea if there is truly an afterlife, if there are heavens and hells, if I will be no more than ashes or if I will appear on this earth again.
I know I only have this moment, this breath. I cannot predict the future, nor change the past. It is all I am really guaranteed.

Reminded

As I sit by the water I think of you
Nowhere to be seen but I know you are here
I can feel your presence, smell the scent of your skin mixed with the salty sea air
As I sink my feet into the cool sand.
The lingering sound of each crashing wave is reminiscent of your voice, promising to never leave me.
As I see the sun setting I am reminded of the night you passed, as if it were mere moments ago.  I can't seem to stop myself from  coming here often just to be reminded
Of you

Shell

 Life is often not easy, and I believe that goes for every being on this earth. To help counter this , I almost feel as if I have formed a thick protective shell to help shield me from the sadness in the world, the ridicule of others, and most importantly, the hatred of myself.  I laugh and make jokes about myself before anyone else gets a chance to, further developing my protective barrier.  I wonder what it would feel like to lift the anger from my life, to drop the pessimistic attitude I feel and get rid of the negativity that has become so much a part of me that it is in fact, me.  I wonder if I could learn to trust again, or if I would even want to, I kind of like being guarded. It is protective, it feels safe.  Keeping others at arms length gives me room to breathe, to live freely, to not worry about judgement from others.  It also makes it almost impossible to get to know and love others, deeply, truly, exactly as they are and I know I am missing out.  A few have broken through this barrier and I love you for accepting, shy, introverted, crazy cat loving me for who I am and I will love you fully, for being exactly who you are.  It is a strange world out there, getting stranger every day, but there is so much good I fail to see, and am thankful for all that are part of the goodness.  

Love always, 

Me

Tomorrow

Unknowingness
That sick feeling at the pit of your stomach that you may at any time walk in on something horrible that you have no control of but you feel you need to go in anyway no matter what you are going to see.  There is a feeling of protectiveness, others lives and daily needs being met depend on you showing up.  You want to do so much more and spend quality time with each and every one of them, but the clock keeps ticking and you are running just to meet their most basic care.  A few may get an extra moment of your time but you feel so guilty choosing, leaving so many others without much more than a quick I love you all and will get to you tomorrow ,if I am lucky. For some, tomorrow never comes, and you are left wishing you spent more time you never even had to begin with,cherishing their last moments with them, and only wish to see them just one more time.

Missed

Rest in peace Smokey
Rest in peace Vashti
Your years were robbed from you from illnesses beyond your control
You will be sorely missed
I can't bear the thought of going
Back without you there and only
Hope others will begin to trust our assessments on your conditions before
We lose even more. You were very much loved indeed

Gone too soon see you at Rainbow Bridge
*Believe me when I say they are failing, I
Am usually right on point in this area

Words

Spinning words together
Cascading
Twirling and sparkling as they
Comingle, and glide to the ground
Hear them laugh filled with the giddiness
Of a child on their birthday, filled with
Infinite possibilities endless waves
Of expression and the power to build a person up, or break someone down
To be used to capture beauty or carnage
To express eternal love or hatred so vile
To be spoken carefully as apologies can be
Made, but the words remain forever

Bentley

Bentley,

I am so sorry to have lost you today and for the manner 

In which you passed.  Finding you sprawled out on the floor,

Gasping for air, all I could do was hold you, and pray to God to

Help you pass quickly to end your suffering.  I do not know

What condition you were in the the few days leading up to 

Your passing, and I know you were going to continue to receive appropriate

Medical care for your condition, but it wasn't soon enough to 

Prevent a prolonged and drawn out ending which never

Should have been.  I will always love you .

God Bless you, I hope you are with the angels now, and though

I can no longer help you. when it comes to my own pets, I believe in 

Euthanizing before the very end, and allowing each freedom 

From their sick, terminally ill, bodies.

Afraid

Just want to rewind
Go back to when it was all okay
The present is too painful
As I try to dull my senses
Stop thinking of reality
I am selfish
I can remove myself from this situation
Willingly. As I so choose
There is no going back and pretending
For you
You are faced with the truth
An emptiness I do not know or understand
I want to reach out to you
Tell you I love you
And you will be okay
I am afraid to say a word
So instead I
Rewind
Go back to when it was okay
Stop thinking of reality and try to dull my senses because I am selfish, because I am afraid

Crash

In utter shock
Feelings so intense they expand inside me
Compromising my ability to breathe
I am choking on sadness
Coughing up anger and resentment
As my heart beats helplessness, hopelessness, hopelessness helplessness I gasp my last breath on fallen dreams, staggering my last steps filled with disappointment as I crash to the ground

stuck

Stuck

Desperately trying to move forward

Locked in place

Running in place 

In circles

Getting nowhere in a hurry

You try to push me, 

To help me gain.momentum

I am buried in cement

Life moves forward

I am left behind

I am the past

As I hear the world rush ahead

Son

Little old woman, with freckled frail fingers, lives alone.  She rocks silently in the chair in the dusty old room, the sunshine pouring through the window and warming her cold stiff body, riddled with arthritis and more importantly, warming her soul.  She can rest here and dream of how things will get better when her son finally moves in with her as he had promised so very long ago. Any day now, she reassures herself, that he will arrive.  Her phone service cut off, she could not pay that bill, she has no one to reach out to when she is feeling scared or lonely and the house is deathly quiet.  Gingerly she gets up and carefully walks to the kitchen for something to eat.  The fridge is bare except for some dried up grapes, a swig of milk left and a couple of celery stalks.  She goes to the pantry and pulls out condensed soup and saltine crackers.  As she sits at the table, head in her hands from exhaustion and desperation, she prays her son will arrive soon, as she is not sure how much longer she can live this way. Or live at all.

Alone

It's all a blur.  Coming face to face with a reality that one wouldn't wish on their worst enemy.  Feeling shut out, alone, just hoping for a minute amount of information to help put the pieces together, to help make sense of this, if any sense can even be made.  You are with me, feeling the same, shut out, alone, not enough information to understand what is going on, what happens next.  I am here for you, and you for me, as we wait for the next step together.

Love

I am in love with you
Though we never met
I want to hold you and hug
You and and enjoy just being by your side
I want to act silly and be my goofball self just to make you laugh.  I want to shower you with attention, dote over you, marvel over how smart you are, hold your hand and kiss you when you are with me.  I am in love with you though we never met.  I never believed it could be possible. Till now.

Purpose

Though this situation did not turn out as we had hoped or expected, please know that it did not cease completely and now exists on a higher level.  Divine plan, purpose, that we cannot even pretend to understand at this point in our lives, has extended its hand, and raised them straight up to the heavens. Life on earth is hard, downright hellish at times, and some are chosen to bypass the struggles, the stress, the turmoil and come unto the golden light of infinite love. Much love.

Worry

My heart feels tight and clenched in a fist, my mind is racing, obsessing over something I have no control of at this moment.  I know intellectually that worrying is a complete waste of time that the mind reverts to in order to feel it is helping to alleviate the problem but all it is really doing is wasting energy.  I know this, but my reaction of panic is hard to ignore.  I jump to conclusions, expecting the worst almost immediately, I end up having to take something to calm down before my mind blows yet another scenario up into epic proportions.  I just want to know everything will be okay 100% and I want to know now.  Worrying.  A waste of time and a habit I frequently indulge in.

you

In you I seek refuge, to bury my head into your heart and wipe away my past
In you I seek light, to shine the way and help my stay the course on the most darkest of nights
In you I seek wisdom, in the choices that I make each day, knowing how profoundly some may affect the ones I love.
In you I seek peace, a quiet mind for just a moments time for without it I would go absolutely insane.
In you I seek the world, the sun, the moon, the stars, to swim in an ocean of love and rest in a bed made of flowers.
In you I seek, and find the best of me and fall in love all over again.
With you

Yours

Thine eyes shine brightly beneath.a half lit moon

Heart filled with gold, and lined and laced with love

Translucent, I can see the world behind you

It is dark, the darkness unrelenting,

As you shine effervescent in a harsh uncaring space

I love you, and know as you look upon me

I am yours as our souls intertwine amidst the shadows of the evening

House

Lorraine and I decided to enter the abandoned house and property. It was easy to see  the house used to be so beautiful in its prime, now each room was filled with graffiti and obscene drawings.  Some of the hardwood flooring had caved in already, which made  me hesitant to go upstairs.  Each room contained its own fireplace, as well as shattered glass everywhere, that crunched under our feet, due to the extent of vandalism.  It was obvious looking around that this was the living quarters on the large property. We walked into the living room, besides the glass and graffiti it was strangely intact compared to the rest of the house.  Red walls and green carpeting dated the space, but it looked as if time had otherwise stood still.  When we walked back upstairs and into the kitchen, we both suddenly were dizzy and had to leave immediately.  I felt it was probably the mold in the carpeting. When I left I  felt profound sadness for this house, as all the detailed craftsmanship had gone to waste, and what once was a home obviously filled with pride of ownership was taken to the point of no return, to a place of hopelessness.  That night when I slept I had violent nightmares all night long, and could not help but wonder if our visit to that house had something to do with it.

Carefree

I see her, in the distance, wearing an ethereal white gown flowing at the bottom.  Her hair is half pulled back in a tiny braids that meet in the middle, wavy strands of dark blonde tresses lay carelessly upon her shoulders,  She is young, 18 or so with naturally flushed cheeks and the most beautiful brown eyes I have seen.  She is barefoot, running on the beach, and looks lost in time, a vision of yesteryear. She is carefree, it feels finally she is relishing in her youth and wisdom. She is strong, she is wise, the depth of those beautiful brown eyes let me know she has seen more than a young girl her age should have seen, and she is stronger because of this. She is someone I wish I could know, and wish I could  help her make it to the other side.

Visions

I had visions of him the evening before.

I saw his face, he was laughing, and his eyes gazed maniacally

As he preyed upon strangers in the night.

It was random when he chose each victim

The young girl walking home alone,

The elderly man with his cane, putting groceries in his car 

The waitress relieved to be off shift and going home to her family

He had no soul, he enjoyed the game, the hiding, the element of surprise,

Grabbing each victim's throat tightly with gloved hands and squeezing so hard, not daring to let go till each one relented, and gave up their life.

I had visions of him the night before, and needed to get to him before he reached them

Blessed

It would come as no surprise to anyone that knows me for 30 seconds or longer that my life is totally centered around the love and care of God's creatures.  I have a house full of four legged friends, two fish that we have been lucky enough to have for at least 5 years, and against my better judgement, two hermit crabs in a ten gallon tank that I am trying my best to make their existence here as pleasurable as possible.  Sorry Peta, I know they should be in the wild.  I have always thought throughout my life that my gift, or purpose in life was to care for animals, and for the most part it is but there is one thing that I find even more gratifying and that is writing.  I love writing but gave it up in my early 20's for some reason (partying) but I am truly enjoying coming back to it.  I may not be technically the best writer out there, I surely make my share of errors, but it ignites a passion in me to be able to bear my soul, and because it comes from my heart, each piece feels to me as if I am sharing a part of myself, and I feel enriched doing so.  I love what I write not because it's perfect, not because it is exciting or even interesting to others but because it is me.  I honestly don't care if others love or hate or read my words because I am absolutely writing for myself. While it may not pay the bills it is still exhilarating for me each time I write a post and   I feel truly blessed each day I am able to do so.

Perspective

I am underwhelmed by all the goodness in the world and quite frankly. I get depressed about all the atrocities I hear about around me.  I couldn't figure out why it seemed to be that evil is winning out, while those whose hearts are in the right place didn't seem to be making any headway.  A friend pointed out to me today that this is due to perspective, and unfortunately bad news makes for great reading and headlines.  On some level I knew this to be  true. But being constantly barraged with one horrific story after another made me forget about the good.  I am as guilty as the next. Sharing stories on social media that enraged me. Hoping to draw the same reaction out of others.  I'm not sure if I am hoping we all gather as a group with torches and pitchforks in hand and burn down the latest offender, or if I am hoping that seeing others equally enraged will help me justify my feelings but it doesn't.  Reading these stories and sharing them just prolongs the feelings of angst and unrest inside of me, it heightens these feelings to new levels rather than pacify me, it makes me feel helpless to act.  There is a lot of good going on in this world each day and if we each learn to focus a bit more on this, our lives may feel just a little bit more in control.

Crossroad

Oh how to see your glorious face would affirm my faltering faith.  It changes so often yet I am looking for stability, someone to rely on, a force to be reckoned with.  I am afraid to alienate others if I believe too strongly so I throw it by the wayside, make jokes about my uncertainty and even laugh in the face of the one I believe saved me.  Oh God I am at a crossroads.  How can I openly believe and worship you without ridicule by those I love, those that don't understand my personal connection with you.  I don't want to push others to believe anything but their own truth but I feel both joyful and ashamed at finding and sharing mine.  Please look me in the face, let me know that you are with me and that you exist, for I fear a lifetime of denial, ambivalence even when it comes to knowing you, and commiting to you otherwise.

Cartoons

I hate to admit it, but at 43 years old I still like watching cartoons.  It was great when the girls were younger, I just pretended to be watching along with them when truthfully, I was the one who wanted them on.  I won't bore you with the details of which ones I like, (Scooby Doo)  but I've always wondered why at my age I am still drawn to them.  I love the saturated colors of some animation, no I don't take drugs, but there is something more than that.  I think I am sucked into the innocence of them in a world that is anything but, they are a diversion.  I guess any  series or sitcoms could provide the same type of diversion, but what I think I like best about them is they are sort of one step removed from humanness. I love the sameness of the characters each episode, they even wear the same outfits, they are in effect, perfectly predictable.  I am sure there is more to it, I am an introverted dork which may explain some of my eccentricities, but I will keep watching them as long as I can get away with it.  Arthur, anyone?

Wish

Oh how I wish, to be guided by a gentle hand, an angel flowing effortlessly exposing me to my life's purpose and journey
 Oh how I wish to see the birds fly so high up into the sky that it gives me hope, somewhere, up there, awaits a heaven.
Oh how I wish to turn life around in a heartbeat, and have everything work in my favor and the favor of those I love.
Oh how I wish to once again see those that have gone before me, to laugh with them to love them, to let them know how sorry I am to have lost sight of them in my life.
Oh how I wish I reached my grandfather, before he passed, that I left that meeting early to see him in time, that I knew it was the end.  Oh how I wish for one more minute of his time, to say I love you and sorry and that I should have been there for you instead of expecting eternal tomorrows like I so often do in life.  Oh how I wish just to see you once again

Forest

The light was blinding, painful even as it pierced my eyes.  When I left it was daylight, and I traveled on foot through the mountain with nothing but water, a tent, some rations  matches and the clothes on my back.  It was hard to keep footing on the rocky terrain, so I decided to set up camp and build a small fire to keep warm as day settled into dusk. The primal sounds of the forest both frightened and enticed me as day turned into night. When I awoke,  I had gone a bit off course and was not precisely aware of my location.  The direction of the morning sun's ray's threw me off even further.  I just knew I needed to forge ahead, quickly before I was found.  What awaited me outside this forest put me in much graver danger than what lied within.

Disappear

You pass through me, as if I do not even exist
I scream to you please don't go, don't leave me all alone,
My plea is met with silence.  How can a person be so deaf not to know I need them, I love them, I want to be validated in some way, shape or form in their life.  Are we now that distant that I am almost ghostlike, invisible before your eyes?  I catch my reflection in the window and realize I do exist,  though I see my image fading by the minute.  I must claim myself and look inward to find my soul, and validate my own reason for being, before I disappear.

Vacant

You look at me, eyes vacant, and I wonder if  if you are really with me.  What happened was not our fault,  yet you cannot forgive yourself for not saving him in time, nor stop placing the blame on me as well. The thoughts and memories of that day play continuously through my mind.  The cold damp wind, I can still feel it on my face as we approached the door that night.  She had reached his house before we did. What if we got there sooner, could she have been stopped?  The torture he endured at her hands left a lasting mark.  I shall not soon forget the bloody runny handprints on the wall, the signs of begging for her mercy. What makes a person turn that way , take the life of another for their own gratification? We will never know nor be able to turn back the clock for we failed to step in. To reach the door in time

Satellite

As the thunder crashed through our area last night, my youngest one lied next to me.  The rain pounded furiously upon our house, sounding .determined to make its way in.  As I watched the lightning flash and streak across the sky lighting up our room she awoke, screaming about of all things, the possibility of our satellite going out, and desperately needing me to put in a dvd just in case it did.  Her fear of thunderstorms is certainly not unusual, many children of course feel the same but the fear of something not being as it should be in her life is greater still.  She expects life to run its course in the same predictable manner and fortunately, or unfortunately, depending how life is going for you this is not usually the case.  How do I help her adapt to the unknown, to appreciate going off course at times without derailing her sense of safety in sameness.  She knows she is different, which doesn't mean good or bad but she often wonders and worries that she doesn't fit in. I pray she sees the beauty of not being like others and will realize one day it doesn't matter if you have 1 friend or 200, she is worthwhile and working through her struggles makes her stronger than anyone I know.

Bully

I try to remain silent as the screaming turns quickly into screeching, with objects being hurled throughout the room.  I am tired of you bullying me I finally say, which raises her anger to new heights.  I listen as she screams so loudly I fear another visit from, the police, but know I will answer the door calmly and rationally as I did the last time before.  No one is helping her, we have tried every doctor and every method of intervention available and we are at the starting point once again.  It is hush hush, we are the only ones unlucky enough to experience this level of anger and we don't know where to turn

Vent

I am looking for clarity in my life.  I know, who isn't. I spend way too much time wondering if I am supposed to be doing what I am doing and if so, why is it so hard to keep doing it and survive.  Where the fuck are the instruction books when you are born into this world because all I know if there is reincarnation I am surely coming back as I am positive I have many lessons to learn.   I want to move on when I am done with this life with whatever is next even if it is a whole lot of nothing.  I hope and believe there is something after but please don't send me back to this god forsaken earth when my time is up because I am sick of the imperfections of humanity, the cruelty. Myself included. End vent

Sunken

You sink under, I can reach you, you are at arms length, but I choose to let you go.  You sink under, but resurface, gaining confidence and becoming stronger in each passing moment.  I am in awe of you, your independence, your determination and strength in this precious life of yours, your ability to not only survive but surpass where you had been.  I wish and pray that I can take possession of that strength, to revive, reinvent, myself before my moment is gone.  I sink under, you are at arms length, and choose to let me go.  I cannot breathe and succumb to the depth of the water.  I sunk under, and you chose to let me go.

The Well

It lies deep beneath the cold stone well.  Buried beneath rock and soil, the weight of the stone pressing deep into its body, rendering it helpless, unable to move.  There is where it's dreams lie dormant, it's heart unexposed, it's reason for being suppressed in the cold dark ground.  It waits patiently, quietly, knowing the earth shall move and settle subtly , and with time, it is determined to make its way through the loose gravel ever so slowly and claim it's cherished fate.

Bewildered

She extended her hand, it was cold, wrinkly, with long coral painted fingernails.  She tried to help the young boy up.  "It's okay, she reassured him, you've hit your head falling while trying to climb up those rocks.". He was bewildered. He didn't remember falling and even coming to that park in the first place.  Where were his mom and dad?  Surely he didn't arrive here all by himself.  He touched his hand to the back of his head, it was stained with blood and dirt, which frightened him. " We need to hurry now and get you some help," the strange old woman said.  He didn't recognize her, but felt he had no choice but to follow her along. His parents laid lifeless deep in the brush. She had done it again, and was quite pleased at how much more swiftly it occurred this time.

Withdrawn

     Some may view living life quietly on  their own as a harrowing experience. Not many to turn to.  Few to share news with, good or bad, Only a handful of others  to laugh or love with.  I have experienced the feeling of quiet time in my life, even with so many others around  I cherish it.  The ability to draw deep into myself and shut the world out has been a way of self preservation.  I like my time alone, deep in thoughts that others may not comprehend or be at all interested in.  My time to worry. My time to dream.  What can be concerning is I am so comfortable being within myself that it can be hard to let others in, uncomfortable even with those I love.  This causes a disconnect I am fully aware of, yet not necessarily interested in changing.  I apologize to those I love for ever making them feel left out, but it is who I am, probably from not feeling like I fit in with the world in the first place. 

Gone

She was a small girl, slight in stature but had been surviving on the streets for many years.  She was fearful of strangers and had every right to be.  Old untreated injuries left their mark, I fear she saw unkindness on more than one occasion. We recently became friends. She came to greet me each day.  I always bought her something to eat and instead of waiting till I left to eat, she'd hang with me,  I would sit with her, swatting mosquitos, protective of her.  I loved her eyes, their depth drew me in. What in the world had she seen with those beautiful eyes.
    I noticed she seemed under the weather and had some sort of new wound or injury.  I treated her with some antibiotics as she was so fearful, so afraid, I couldn't manage to get her to let me help her out further.  At first it was working.  I couldn't wait to see her each morning.  This past Friday I worked on trying to get her further medical assistance, but fell and injured my shoulder.  It's okay. I told myself.  I can help her on Monday.  Saturday morning I went to visit and she didn't come to meet me.  I missed my chance to save her.  I found her, breathing funny, not letting me near her.  On Sunday I went back and almost had her, but she ran off.  Yesterday I went to check for her and she was gone, my heart tells me gone for good.  I don't want to believe it.  I want to go back tomorrow and see her brightness, the joy in her eyes when she sees me coming.  I want a do over, to be able to help her successfully, and wonder why my wholehearted attempts have failed me, and her. I love her and hope only she is at peace, wherever she may be.

I stare at the notebook.  Inside it is white, empty, and full of nothingness, a vast expanse proudly absent of embellishments.  It seems to revel in its state which gives no hint of past, present, or future. It is profoundly neutral, non alarming, no signs of ever giving up or even starting anything for that matter.  It is deliciously blank, it is tempting to me, inviting me to mar its pages.

The Light envelops me, slowly sinking into each and every inch of my sacred body.  It flourishes inside me. Casting shadows and corners of darkness over by the wayside.  It is sweet. Gentle. All knowing, leaving me at last to sleep peacefully through the night.  The light burns quietly within me, and awaiting a bright new start, waiting patiently for another tomorrow.