First

My first breath
     Inhaled in your presence
Unaware of the many encounters and adventures I would experience  in life.
My first hand, I held was yours, too young to realize the beauty and fragility yet protectiveness that was contained in each intertwined finger firmly grasping mine.  My first hug, my first kiss, my first tears imprinted on your heartstrings, it was you who I ran to when I wanted to feel safe, you who I ran from when asserting my independence, my own way, so many times in my life.  I want to run to you again, to tell you one more time how much I love and adore you, and honor your beautiful strength I will carry with me each day.  It is now I know you were enough, so much more than enough, you were my first love, my mom.

Disillusioned

I can't  step forward
I am Frozen in disbelief by
What has just happened
Feeling disillusioned
I have laid it all on the line for you
Given when there was nothing left to give
Begged and borrowed just to make you happy
If only for a moment
You spit upon me
Blinding me to the fact that
What I am doing is clearly not working
So I start at step one again, giving when I've nothing left inside me, nothing left to give.

Moment

If this moment, this very second were to be my last I would be okay.  It is warm and cozy and dreamy in a melancholic way reminiscent of my younger years. Right now I am alone, and OK with it, mesmerized by lyrics of songs from the past, sinking deeper into careless memories,  feeling  just a bit dark but familiar, feeling like I am home again

Not about Frank

It is getting dark out, and I can't find you

Standing outside calling your name

Like someone who has lost their dignity 

And self respect waiting for you go come back

I am tired of the games you play,

Twisting my heart like a wet rag

Leaving my mind rattled

Leaving me frazzled

And afraid 

You. Won't. Return.

A voice of wisdom

Speaks to me.

I go inside.

And shut the door.

Pieces

You are in pieces
Scattered  across the floor
Carelessly tossed
In a haphazard manner
Like yesterday's news
I reach for you
One intricate part after another
Gathering all I can
Scrambling
Recreating what once was
For the thought of
Something new
Is too much to bear

Smothered

Despair,

I am engulfed by it, 

It is building within me

In the dark of night

I feel smothered and try to get up

To escape

But my legs give out under me and I fall 

To the floor 

I am losing this battle

Breathing in sadness, as I try and crawl to the door

Hoping someone is on the other side, waiting to help me

Life

I wonder if I died right now, if I'd have the chance to come back, and live my life differently.
I wonder if I'd make the same choices, do the same things,
Would I live the same, love the same, leave the same, when situations aren't going as I had hoped for, instead of trying to turn them around?
Would I hate, help, or hope in the same manner?
I have no idea if there is truly an afterlife, if there are heavens and hells, if I will be no more than ashes or if I will appear on this earth again.
I know I only have this moment, this breath. I cannot predict the future, nor change the past. It is all I am really guaranteed.