Carefree

I see her, in the distance, wearing an ethereal white gown flowing at the bottom.  Her hair is half pulled back in a tiny braids that meet in the middle, wavy strands of dark blonde tresses lay carelessly upon her shoulders,  She is young, 18 or so with naturally flushed cheeks and the most beautiful brown eyes I have seen.  She is barefoot, running on the beach, and looks lost in time, a vision of yesteryear. She is carefree, it feels finally she is relishing in her youth and wisdom. She is strong, she is wise, the depth of those beautiful brown eyes let me know she has seen more than a young girl her age should have seen, and she is stronger because of this. She is someone I wish I could know, and wish I could  help her make it to the other side.

Visions

I had visions of him the evening before.

I saw his face, he was laughing, and his eyes gazed maniacally

As he preyed upon strangers in the night.

It was random when he chose each victim

The young girl walking home alone,

The elderly man with his cane, putting groceries in his car 

The waitress relieved to be off shift and going home to her family

He had no soul, he enjoyed the game, the hiding, the element of surprise,

Grabbing each victim's throat tightly with gloved hands and squeezing so hard, not daring to let go till each one relented, and gave up their life.

I had visions of him the night before, and needed to get to him before he reached them

Blessed

It would come as no surprise to anyone that knows me for 30 seconds or longer that my life is totally centered around the love and care of God's creatures.  I have a house full of four legged friends, two fish that we have been lucky enough to have for at least 5 years, and against my better judgement, two hermit crabs in a ten gallon tank that I am trying my best to make their existence here as pleasurable as possible.  Sorry Peta, I know they should be in the wild.  I have always thought throughout my life that my gift, or purpose in life was to care for animals, and for the most part it is but there is one thing that I find even more gratifying and that is writing.  I love writing but gave it up in my early 20's for some reason (partying) but I am truly enjoying coming back to it.  I may not be technically the best writer out there, I surely make my share of errors, but it ignites a passion in me to be able to bear my soul, and because it comes from my heart, each piece feels to me as if I am sharing a part of myself, and I feel enriched doing so.  I love what I write not because it's perfect, not because it is exciting or even interesting to others but because it is me.  I honestly don't care if others love or hate or read my words because I am absolutely writing for myself. While it may not pay the bills it is still exhilarating for me each time I write a post and   I feel truly blessed each day I am able to do so.

Perspective

I am underwhelmed by all the goodness in the world and quite frankly. I get depressed about all the atrocities I hear about around me.  I couldn't figure out why it seemed to be that evil is winning out, while those whose hearts are in the right place didn't seem to be making any headway.  A friend pointed out to me today that this is due to perspective, and unfortunately bad news makes for great reading and headlines.  On some level I knew this to be  true. But being constantly barraged with one horrific story after another made me forget about the good.  I am as guilty as the next. Sharing stories on social media that enraged me. Hoping to draw the same reaction out of others.  I'm not sure if I am hoping we all gather as a group with torches and pitchforks in hand and burn down the latest offender, or if I am hoping that seeing others equally enraged will help me justify my feelings but it doesn't.  Reading these stories and sharing them just prolongs the feelings of angst and unrest inside of me, it heightens these feelings to new levels rather than pacify me, it makes me feel helpless to act.  There is a lot of good going on in this world each day and if we each learn to focus a bit more on this, our lives may feel just a little bit more in control.

Crossroad

Oh how to see your glorious face would affirm my faltering faith.  It changes so often yet I am looking for stability, someone to rely on, a force to be reckoned with.  I am afraid to alienate others if I believe too strongly so I throw it by the wayside, make jokes about my uncertainty and even laugh in the face of the one I believe saved me.  Oh God I am at a crossroads.  How can I openly believe and worship you without ridicule by those I love, those that don't understand my personal connection with you.  I don't want to push others to believe anything but their own truth but I feel both joyful and ashamed at finding and sharing mine.  Please look me in the face, let me know that you are with me and that you exist, for I fear a lifetime of denial, ambivalence even when it comes to knowing you, and commiting to you otherwise.

Cartoons

I hate to admit it, but at 43 years old I still like watching cartoons.  It was great when the girls were younger, I just pretended to be watching along with them when truthfully, I was the one who wanted them on.  I won't bore you with the details of which ones I like, (Scooby Doo)  but I've always wondered why at my age I am still drawn to them.  I love the saturated colors of some animation, no I don't take drugs, but there is something more than that.  I think I am sucked into the innocence of them in a world that is anything but, they are a diversion.  I guess any  series or sitcoms could provide the same type of diversion, but what I think I like best about them is they are sort of one step removed from humanness. I love the sameness of the characters each episode, they even wear the same outfits, they are in effect, perfectly predictable.  I am sure there is more to it, I am an introverted dork which may explain some of my eccentricities, but I will keep watching them as long as I can get away with it.  Arthur, anyone?

Wish

Oh how I wish, to be guided by a gentle hand, an angel flowing effortlessly exposing me to my life's purpose and journey
 Oh how I wish to see the birds fly so high up into the sky that it gives me hope, somewhere, up there, awaits a heaven.
Oh how I wish to turn life around in a heartbeat, and have everything work in my favor and the favor of those I love.
Oh how I wish to once again see those that have gone before me, to laugh with them to love them, to let them know how sorry I am to have lost sight of them in my life.
Oh how I wish I reached my grandfather, before he passed, that I left that meeting early to see him in time, that I knew it was the end.  Oh how I wish for one more minute of his time, to say I love you and sorry and that I should have been there for you instead of expecting eternal tomorrows like I so often do in life.  Oh how I wish just to see you once again